When You Realize You Are Falling For Someone YOU DON’T F*CKING KNOW (jking but not)

Ok. So I am in all honesty someone who has always been teetering on depression. I’m told it’s because I honestly just think too much. My brain is constantly cycling in this crazy storm and it jumps from everything from my opinion on japanese food to cultural appropriation and society issues with masculinity and the current political climate and work life balance and art and poetry and what I need to be doing with my life and what I want to be doing and how do I find fulfillment and be a functional member of society and it just goes on and on and on. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. I used to find escape in games, writing, drawing, anime and mostly music. It gave me something to focus on and enjoy for a time.

Life happened and my grandparents died and my family had massive life changing issues and I moved away to start college, I had my first heartbreak and lost my best friend in the process and somewhere along that timeline; without my noticing my kind of depressing lonely thoughts because my only thoughts. Everything was just…. There. I lost my drive, care focus and it was just monochrome. Around here I also stopped enjoying the arts, including listening to music. Games I used to play for fun and the internet that was a way to connect and enjoy became a destructive tool because I would escape to that and block everything else in my life out. The last 2 years have been just me adjusting to the news of being pregnant and then having my daughter. I made some drastic changes and ultimately am trying to get back to being myself. If not just for me, but also for her as well.

This year has been all about self discovery and becoming my best self. I want to find out who I am now and work on improving that. So on to the story that inspired me to write this. I’ve been trying to get back into artistic things as a part of trying to find balance and just enjoyment and in that came listening and enjoying music again. Dance videos on YouTube are my kryptonite. I stumble down the rabbit hole of kpop again, starting with some old faves from Big Bang and Super Junior. I stumble on BTS. Choreography, musicality, vocals and RAP. BISS (Stephanie Soo Mukbangs got me hooked) I WAS HOOKED. I’m a huge Eminiem fan and I love lyricism in rap. So obviously I was down to jump on the BTS train. But then the reaction videos led to the ARMY which led me down the rabbit hole and finding out facts about the members. They are all great in their own way and each brings their own talents to the table and their interactions with each other is just endearing. Let me just say, I’m probably not qualified to be Army. Honestly I’ve never been one to fangirl over any celebrity because I’m usually only interested in their work and don’t care so much about their personal lives. Partially because it’s not my business and partially because that’s not my personality. However, after watching interviews, the live stream and reading A LOT of lyric translations and more interviews I found myself having the biggest crush on Kim Namjoon aka RM. Like send help for my soul.

So sidenote; remember I said I’m always thinking a million things, this includes dating. I was never one to date lightly, I didn’t see the point in dating casually just to date unless I saw potential for a real future. I also had issues with how Jamaica treated dating and relationships. It’s prevalent and acceptable to cheat and it was a small island so everyone was dating everyone. Sexuality was very much a open thing and from a young age there is a culture of older men catcalling and making inappropriate gestures at young girls. All of this just did not make dating appealing. Not to mention, I was just interested in nerdy things and wanted to play games and listen to music. Fast forward to me now, I’ve come to realize anyone I’ve ever dated I basically always was drawn in largely by them being damaged in some way. I’m realizing they each had things going on that would make it impossible to work added on to my own issues, especially since I was depressed and then most recently was in a relationship with another depressed person. Only positive of that is I learned things about myself from each and about things that I value and want.

I value intellect. I don’t do well with small talk, probably because socially awkward and I love scintillating conversation. I appreciate when someone can self reflect and see missteps or mistakes and take action to fix it. Work ethic, family values and being just a wholesome person are all good qualities.

So back to the story. Point is RM quickly was checking off basic checklist things but then reading his lyrics, responses to interviews etc. I found myself drawn in by his aura. I’m not a crazy person, I just have this thing about a person’s ‘vibe’. Like there are a few people that just speak to me and they are usually the best friends. Now, please don’t come for me Army. I will never meet him. I’m not claiming ownership, because … well he’s a person lol. Actually this post isn’t even really so much about my random girliness but actually it is more that the message behind Love Myself and Persona and mono has hit me in the best way and thank you BTS. Something that was said in their UN Speech really resonated with me because it summed up what this year is about for me. Coming to accept myself and working on improvement.

“Maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday’s me is still me. I am who I am today, with all my faults. Tomorrow I might be a tiny bit wiser, and that’s me, too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I was, who I am, and who I hope to become.”

Kim Namjoon, UN Speech 2018
출처: <https://www.unicef.org/press-releases/we-have-learned-love-ourselves-so-now-i-urge-you-speak-yourself>

I always have a hard time wrapping up these posts. I think my take away is just to work on being your best self and eventually the right person will collide into your life. Don’t settle or try to save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves but rather work on your own way to be a positive light maybe in that way you can help another person.

Published by Stefani

I'm just a girl trying to find my happiness and balance in this modern world. I am hesitant and unable to ever describe myself as a singular thing and true to myself I'm unsure of what kind of content I will be publishing. I want to share myself with the world as I am on my journey to become a better version of myself. Facts about me: I am in my 20s. I am Chinese, Black and random from Jamaica. I have a bachelors of science in Biology. I was diagnosed with a number of mental health issues in university. I am the 'owner' of an australian shepherd I am a mom to a awesome little girl I am an atheist I am a lost human being And I am trying to be a writer, motivator and just share in my journey. I have always had a lot to say and for some reason over time I have grown to silence myself and just fold into myself and become this shy hermit. I know I am a smart person who is very introspective and analytical and I truly think I can add value to others. Somewhere along the way I have just lost the confidence to be in the world.

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